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Part Chav Eats Semi Posh Cheeses

Yet another post in this pointless cheesy endeavour.

1741105608891.webp

This one cost three quid didn't you know.....as evidenced by the frigging large price tag I initially thought of ripping off before I realised that my nails weren't designed for the job without making a hash of it.

So a blue cheese, this one's a little dry but has a nice gold coloured look to it as it says in the sales waffle...Higher salt levels than average but pleasant and creamy enough.....It also says that it's made with milk from 'classy Yorkshire Cows'.....Well, I regard that as an obvious lie as we all know there may be plenty of cows in Yorkshire, but not much class.....zoo of munters more like.

Rating 7.4
 
Last edited:
Stirlingsays said:
Yet another post in this pointless cheesy endeavour.

View attachment 718

This one cost three quid didn't you know.....as evidenced by the frigging large price tag I initially thought of ripping off before I realised that my nails weren't designed for the job without making a hash of it.

So a blue cheese, this one's a little dry but has a nice gold coloured look to it as the says in the sales waffle...Higher salt levels than average but pleasant and creamy enough.....It also says that it's made with milk from 'classy Yorkshire Cows'.....Well, I regard that as an obvious lie as we all know there may be plenty of cows in Yorkshire, but not much class.....zoo of munters more like.

Rating 7.4
Click to expand...
I noticed the ‘classy Yorkshire Cows’ description and thought wtf?
 
I like the Swiss for cheese - a simple bread and apple cheese is Emmental, with holes in, plain and nutty like several ladies I have courted, and Gruyere has a lovely mixture of tartness and creaminess, the after taste is different to the initial flavour as it melts in the mouth (Comte and <Manchego are similar). And seeing as we're red and blue I have always been struck how the county of Leicestershire provides us with a red cheese, the worst on the planet in my view, and a blue cheese which is one of the best. Red Leicester makes Edam taste like Limburger it's so bland, we've all seen those chav buffets - white crimpled paper plates one with chicken nuggets, another with pickled onions, another with the worst mini sausage rolls you've ever eaten and finally another with a sweaty slab of warm, tasteless Leicester Red. But a few miles down the road they're making Stilton - is there a better blue cheese? Gorgonzola, Dolce Late, Rockford ... all OK but I'll take Stilton, with port, grapes and walnuts, or melted on chips, dancing with a cox's orange pippin or on its own with maybe a hunk of crusty fresh bread and butter.
 
ex hibitionist said:
I like the Swiss for cheese - a simple bread and apple cheese is Emmental, with holes in, plain and nutty like several ladies I have courted, and Gruyere has a lovely mixture of tartness and creaminess, the after taste is different to the initial flavour as it melts in the mouth (Comte and <Manchego are similar). And seeing as we're red and blue I have always been struck how the county of Leicestershire provides us with a red cheese, the worst on the planet in my view, and a blue cheese which is one of the best. Red Leicester makes Edam taste like Limburger it's so bland, we've all seen those chav buffets - white crimpled paper plates one with chicken nuggets, another with pickled onions, another with the worst mini sausage rolls you've ever eaten and finally another with a sweaty slab of warm, tasteless Leicester Red. But a few miles down the road they're making Stilton - is there a better blue cheese? Gorgonzola, Dolce Late, Rockford ... all OK but I'll take Stilton, with port, grapes and walnuts, or melted on chips, dancing with a cox's orange pippin or on its own with maybe a hunk of crusty fresh bread and butter.
Click to expand...
Blimey you know your cheeses Ex hibionist, you should be doing this thread!
Maybe when I run out of cheap Tesco cheeses you could take it over.....My waistline is suffering from my cheesy commitments.
 
ex hibitionist said:
my real name is Arthur Wensleydale.
Click to expand...

The Monty Python Cheese Shop Sketch​



SCOUT: Good Morning.
OWNER: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium!
SCOUT: Ah, thank you, my good man.
OWNER: What can I do for you, Sir?
SCOUT: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through "Scouting For Boys" by Robert Stephenson Smythe Baden-Powell, and I suddenly came over all peckish.
OWNER: Peckish, sir?
SCOUT: Esuriant.
OWNER: Eh?
SCOUT: 'Ee, Ah wor 'ungry-loike!
OWNER: Ah, hungry!
SCOUT: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little fermented curd will do the trick," so, I curtailed my Scouting activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles!
OWNER: Come again?
SCOUT: I want to buy some cheese.
OWNER: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bazouki player!
SCOUT: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!
OWNER: Sorry?
SCOUT: 'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too!
OWNER: So he can go on playing, can he?
SCOUT: Most certainly! Now then, some cheese please, my good man.
OWNER: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?
SCOUT: Well, eh, how about a little red Leicester.
OWNER: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of red Leicester, sir.
SCOUT: Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilsit?
OWNER: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it fresh on Monday.
SCOUT: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please.
OWNER: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning.
SCOUT: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Bel Paese?
OWNER: Sorry, sir.
SCOUT: Red Windsor?
OWNER: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.
SCOUT: Ah. Stilton?
OWNER: Sorry.
SCOUT: Ementhal? Gruyere?
OWNER: No.
SCOUT: Any Norweigan Jarlsburg, per chance.
OWNER: No.
SCOUT: Lipta?
OWNER: No.
SCOUT: Lancashire?
OWNER: No.
SCOUT: White Stilton?
OWNER: No.
SCOUT: Danish Brew?
OWNER: No.
SCOUT: Double Goucester?
OWNER: No.
SCOUT: Cheshire?
OWNER: No.
SCOUT: Dorset Bluveny?
OWNER: No.
SCOUT: Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq, Port Salut, Savoy Aire, Saint Paulin, Carrier de lest, Bres Bleu, Bruson?
OWNER: No.
SCOUT: Camembert, perhaps?
OWNER: Ah! We have Camembert, yessir.
SCOUT: (suprised) You do! Excellent.
OWNER: Yessir. It's..ah,.....it's a bit runny...
SCOUT: Oh, I like it runny.
OWNER: Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir.
SCOUT: No matter. Fetch hither the fromage de la Belle France! Mmmwah!
OWNER: I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.
SCOUT: I don't care how blinking runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.
OWNER: Oooooooooohhh........!
SCOUT: What now?
OWNER: The cat's eaten it.
SCOUT: Has he.
OWNER: She, sir.
(pause)
SCOUT: Gouda?
OWNER: No.
SCOUT: Edam?
OWNER: No.
SCOUT: Case Ness?
OWNER: No.
SCOUT: Smoked Austrian?
OWNER: No.
SCOUT: Japanese Sage Darby?
OWNER: No, sir.
SCOUT: You...do *have* some cheese, don't you?
OWNER: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a cheese shop, sir. We've got--
SCOUT: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
OWNER: Fair enough.
SCOUT: Uuuuuh, Wensleydale.
OWNER: Yes?
SCOUT: Ah, well, I'll have some of that!
OWNER: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister Wensleydale, that's my name.
(pause)

SCOUT: Greek Feta?
OWNER: Uh, not as such.
SCOUT: Uuh, Gorgonzola?
OWNER: no
SCOUT: Parmesan,
OWNER: no
SCOUT: Mozarella,
OWNER: no
SCOUT: Paper Cramer,
OWNER: no
SCOUT: Danish Bimbo,
OWNER: no
SCOUT: Czech sheep's milk,
OWNER: no
SCOUT: Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?
OWNER: Not *today*, sir, no.
(pause)
SCOUT: Aah, how about Cheddar?
OWNER: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.
SCOUT: Not much ca--It's the single most popular cheese in the world!
OWNER: Not 'round here, sir.
SCOUT: and what IS the most popular cheese 'round hyah?
OWNER: 'Illchester, sir.
SCOUT: IS it.
OWNER: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manusquire.
SCOUT: Is it.
OWNER: It's our number one best seller, sir!
SCOUT: I see. Uuh...'Illchester, eh?
OWNER: Right, sir.
SCOUT: All right. Okay.
'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.
OWNER: I'll have a look, sir... nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.
SCOUT: It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?
OWNER: Finest in the district!
SCOUT: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
OWNER: Well, it's so clean, sir!
SCOUT: It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese....
OWNER: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Limburger, sir.
SCOUT: Would it be worth it?
OWNER: Could be....
SCOUT: Have you --SHUT THAT BLINKING BAZOUKI OFF!
OWNER: Told you sir....
SCOUT: (slowly) Have you got any Limburger?
OWNER: No.
SCOUT: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:
OWNER: Yessir?
SCOUT: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any cheese here at all.
OWNER: Yes,sir.
SCOUT: Really?
(pause)
OWNER: No. Not really, sir.
SCOUT: You haven't.
OWNER: Nosir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time,sir.
SCOUT: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
OWNER: Right-0, sir.
The Scout takes out a gun and shoots the owner.
SCOUT: What a *senseless* waste of human life.
Click to expand...
 
ex hibitionist said:
a few miles down the road they're making Stilton - is there a better blue cheese? Gorgonzola, Dolce Late, Rockford ... all OK but I'll take Stilton,
Click to expand...

Yes. There are plenty that are better including my own favourite Shropshire Blue as well as the aforementioned Gorgonzola and Roquefort.

My friend went to Italy on business and bought me back a piece of Gorgonzola from the region and it was completely different to the stuff sold in supermarkets and I've already mentioned how poor Supermarket Roquefort is
 
Midlands Eagle said:
Yes. There are plenty that are better including my own favourite Shropshire Blue as well as the aforementioned Gorgonzola and Roquefort.

My friend went to Italy on business and bought me back a piece of Gorgonzola from the region and it was completely different to the stuff sold in supermarkets and I've already mentioned how poor Supermarket Roquefort is
Click to expand...
it's been known to cause haemorrhoids - or the Roquefort Piles to give the generic term🤓
 
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