Dumb Movie Plots

[PalazioVecchio]

Vikings, Scandinavians during Europe's Dark Ages. Twinned with Cheddar Man.

When South Park's Cartman became a Hollywood mogul, his movie making slogan was "just put a chick in it and make her gay"

10 Quotes From Vikings Valhalla That Are Very Relatable To Viewers

For a show with decapitations, plundering, pillaging, and mayhem galore, there are some Vikings: Valhalla lines and quotes fans can take to heart.

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Barbarians..........Romans versus Germans in the Teutoberg Forest. The german hero was Herman, Arminius..........and now we have him snogging a muscly enemy leader lad while on campaign.

It didnt bother me with the Alexander the Great movie, cos he really WAS gay. But now, its all of them. Napoleon, Cleopatra, Charlemagne, Ivan the Terrible. What will they tell us next ? Keir Starmer ? what would the wife say ?

 

[ASCPFC]

Like Columbo where the guest star was the killer, apparently it was Patrick McGoohan x 4 and
Robert Culp x 3, who was always rich and always insisted on hanging around his flash house to try and outwit the wily investigator instead of just moving away.

Indeed, they're basically all like that. Taken from Dostoyevsky Crime and Punishment. The most famous one, plus the one the detective/ cop constantly interacts with are the murderer. There are only two main characters and maybe three extras/ regulars. Even Morse does it.
Washed out actor/ actress = murderer. Morse gets away with it by interspersing hilarious drink breaks to keep poor old Thaw standing. He got a whiskey from the cabinet at the murder scene in one episode. Forensics? f*** that, it's in Morse's/ Columbo's/ Jessica Fletcher's mind. And they'll probably tell you in the end. Morse probably won't but he's drunk so you let him off. Plus the theme tune, car, music, pints are enough. Who cares by the end? No one seems too bothered.

 

[Teddy Eagle]

Indeed, they're basically all like that. Taken from Dostoyevsky Crime and Punishment. The most famous one, plus the one the detective/ cop constantly interacts with are the murderer. There are only two main characters and maybe three extras/ regulars. Even Morse does it.
Washed out actor/ actress = murderer. Morse gets away with it by interspersing hilarious drink breaks to keep poor old Thaw standing. He got a whiskey from the cabinet at the murder scene in one episode. Forensics? f*** that, it's in Morse's/ Columbo's/ Jessica Fletcher's mind. And they'll probably tell you in the end. Morse probably won't but he's drunk so you let him off. Plus the theme tune, car, music, pints are enough. Who cares by the end? No one seems too bothered.

Makes a change from Miss Marple's endless punch-ups, car chases and gunfights anyway.

 

[ASCPFC]

Makes a change from Miss Marple's endless punch-ups, car chases and gunfights anyway.

She needed a good man to rein her wandering in.

 

[Badger11]

I think that is probably the silliest.

However, Caine has got some cheek to comment. The Swarm? Blame it on Rio? Water?

Back in the Eighties he was asked how come he made so many bad films his reply was pay me $2m and I'll do anything you like.

On Jaws. "I saw the script, the opening scene was on a luxury yacht in the Caribbean and I thought that'll do.

 

[Teddy Eagle]

Back in the Eighties he was asked how come he made so many bad films his reply was pay me $2m and I'll do anything you like.

On Jaws. "I saw the script, the opening scene was on a luxury yacht in the Caribbean and I thought that'll do.

He's a Method in his Madness actor.

 

[Badger11]

how all the Bond villains seem to have already heard of him. The Roger Federer of spies.

How the middle-aged permanently single Mr Bond always finds true love with a money-obsessed hooeer that previously belonged to a baddie.

Well I'm not surprised he takes an orchestra with him everywhere he goes. 😀

 

[Teddy Eagle]

Well I'm not surprised he takes an orchestra with him everywhere he goes. 😀

Things would have been much easier if he could remember where he parked his invisible car.

 

[Rudi Hedman]

Snakes On A Plane.

A crime lord arranges for a time-release crate full of deadly snakes to be placed in the cargo hold of a plane. The reason for this? An attempt to bring down the plane before it reaches LA because it has a key witness on it.

Is that the best way to bring down a plane? Surely you want to target the plane itself, which may or may not have autopilot, the pilots, or just the witness himself? Utterly farcical just from the premise.

Bonus points for the name which ruins any semblance of mystery around what might be about to take place after take off.

The special effects are pretty good though.

 

[Rudi Hedman]

Jaws The Revenge

Chief Brody is dead, which is probably the luckiest thing that happens in this movie. His widow Ellen becomes convinced that sharks operate like assassins and have sworn a vendetta against her family.

The shark murders her son, then immediately commutes thousands of miles to the Bahamas to continue its blood feud. No explanation. It just knows.

"highlights" include

• Ellen Brody develops psychic shark-sense.
• The shark roars underwater, because why not?
• The finale: sometimes the shark explodes, sometimes it just gives up—a bit like a symbol of the whole movie.

Michael Caine’s review remains the best part of the film:

“I have never seen it, but by all accounts it is terrible. However, I have seen the house that it built, and it is terrific.”

Good summary. I watched it recently and it’s really bad.

 

[Rudi Hedman]

Gladiator

Joaquin Phoenix allows Russel Crow to live after they first meet in the Arena. About as likely as a crime-free day in Croydon.

Silence of the Lambs franchise.
Hannibal is treated like some kind of a superbrain. Believed to be an important aid to catching other serial killers. And somehow submits a crossword puzzle that gets printed in a newspaper and cryptically gives the home address of Ed Norton to the other super-clever serial killer (with whom he is in a clandestine crypto-newspaper communication). Hannibal having got the home address by phone-hacking. About as likely as King Charles vising Croydon alone, to buy socks & sausages.

Terminator One.
Swarzennegger apparently dies after taking a few bullets at a nightclub - and then comes back to life. And at other times himself, and many other terminators take a barrage of machine gun fire without even flinching.

T2
The baddy terminator can shape-shift yet chooses to continuously default back to a cop whose cover was already blown.

Terminator....the final woke piece of shyte
a four foot bird beats up two or three big gang member lads - they then follow her as Colonel of a mini crew. Yeah roight

Breaking Bad
The crime-lords continuously forgive Walter White his various transgressions. On the grounds that he cooks better meth than anybody else. And he also manages to keep his intellectual property rights. they even know where he lives in suburbia. In the real World, he would have been disappeared a million times over.

The Sopranos
Tony tolerated that much incompetent shyte from junkie Chris.....especially writing a tv sitcom about The Mafia - with a smiling Tony sitting in the audience for the grand opening.

Every James Bond movie
Every problem is solved by being good at kung fu. Especially the woman kung fu expert in the Jonathon Price movie. She beats up a hundred henchmen who all conveniently wait in turn to fight her.

I reckon you can only watch most movies if drunk or stoned these days. More holes than the chassis of an old Renault.

I’ve forgotten how John Connor in the future can send his father Reece back in time to impregnate his mother so that John himself is born. Huh?

 

[Rudi Hedman]

Well I'm not surprised he takes an orchestra with him everywhere he goes. 😀

Films were better when they used orchestras for the music.

 

[RubinsCube]

The special effects are pretty good though.

True. But you could say the same about "The Fall Guy" a couple of years ago!

 

[Rudi Hedman]

True. But you could say the same about "The Fall Guy" a couple of years ago!

Couldn’t watch that one.

 

[Rudi Hedman]

Is there a hole in the Back To The Future trilogy? I think there might be but I can’t remember. Maybe it’s just Doc Brown creating a flying train Time Machine at the end in 1885.

 

[RubinsCube]

Films were better when they used orchestras for the music.

Cocoon
Raiders of the Lost Ark (the map room scene as opposed to the main theme)
Schindlers List
Casino Royale in 2006

And doubtless many others ("Unbreakable" in around 2000 with the Orange Man duel comes to mind).

All wonderful orchestral pieces of music in the their own right.

 

[Teddy Eagle]

Is there a hole in the Back To The Future trilogy? I think there might be but I can’t remember. Maybe it’s just Doc Brown creating a flying train Time Machine at the end in 1885.

Also surprising that Mr McFly wasn't suspicious that their son looked exactly like the bloke who got him and his wife together 17 years earlier.

 

[Badger11]

Cocoon
Raiders of the Lost Ark (the map room scene as opposed to the main theme)
Schindlers List
Casino Royale in 2006

And doubtless many others ("Unbreakable" in around 2000 with the Orange Man duel comes to mind).

All wonderful orchestral pieces of music in the their own right.

I saw a documentary on the importance of background music to a movie. Good music really does make or break a movie.

They showed a scene where a man in a car park is approached by another one without the music, but you can here the rest of the soundtrack, dialogue car doors closing etc. It's a nothing scene.

Then they added sinister music and it totally changed the feel of the scene.

 

[PalazioVecchio]

James Bond again. Q always gives him 3 or 4 gadgets that can only be used in bizarre contrived circumstances.....ALL of WHICH will then transpire to happen. My favourite being Pierce Brosnan and his avalanche-survival-anorak for when he goes skiing.

i suppose something more credible would be for Bond to haul a trailer with a couple hundred different gadgets - including something to help you survive a Carrington event, a meteor strike and a Gilgamesh flood. Bond seems to have prepped for every obscure occurrence except for bumping into a cv.nt who cannot speak English.

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Terminator One, Kyle Reece is some kind of a weird sex freak who falls in love with a photo of a woman driving a car and/or the same woman as an old granny.

Also, follow the link below....Sarah Connor, John Connor......and skynet sent ONLY ONE terminator to visit her home ? surely not a chance in hell of Swarzenegger getting a shot on target ?

“A ferocious fight” – John Connors on Ireland’s Travellers and enduring centuries of state violence

www.travellerstimes.org.uk

 

[Teddy Eagle]

James Bond again. Q always gives him 3 or 4 gadgets that can only be used in bizarre contrived circumstances.....ALL of WHICH will then transpire to happen. My favourite being Pierce Brosnan and his avalanche-survival-anorak for when he goes skiing.

i suppose something more credible would be for Bond to haul a trailer with a couple hundred different gadgets - including something to help you survive a Carrington event, a meteor strike and a Gilgamesh flood. Bond seems to have prepped for every obscure occurrence except for bumping into a cv.nt who cannot speak English.

---------------------------------------

Terminator One, Kyle Reece is some kind of a weird sex freak who falls in love with a photo of a woman driving a car and/or the same woman as an old granny.

Also, follow the link below....Sarah Connor, John Connor......and skynet sent ONLY ONE terminator to visit her home ? surely not a chance in hell of Swarzenegger getting a shot on target ?

“A ferocious fight” – John Connors on Ireland’s Travellers and enduring centuries of state violence

www.travellerstimes.org.uk

Like the Adam West Batman film where he'd planned ahead enough to include a shark repellent spray on his utility belt which came in handy when he got bitten by one which didn't even break the skin.